ARTICLE
The Terrible Twos
Whatever you do, don’t panic!
All’s well in the world when all is well in my little one’s world. When my mini me is happy it’s easy to be a happy, well put together, perfect mom. Before she turned one I had the luxury of strolling graciously through the ladies wear aisles, taking my time. She would coo at any stranger whose attention she managed to grab with her unusually long piggy tails. Big smiles would cause bystanders to coo right back. As I said, all was well in my adult world while she was cute and cuddly.
Children, however, do this ghastly thing called growing up, and with it comes sporadic episodes of rather peculiar behaviour.
Each stage of growing comes with its own set of developmental changes that each come with their own set of challenges. The only problem is no one ever forewarned me or told me how to cope when my little one’s world was no longer happy. There comes a time when milk, clean nappies, sleep and lots of love are just not enough; who would have thought!
Once she had turned one and was walking everywhere, insistently, the shops became a little more of a workout than before. New strategies quickly came in to play as I formulated creative ways to keep her in her pram or in the trolley while I zipped through the food aisles (with only necessary shopping happening at this stage).
A friend recommended allowing her to hold a toy and then putting it back just before paying. Was I the only one ignorant enough to believe that would work? Another suggested snacks – good idea! Until we need to explain why I
don’t need to be paying for the snack that she’s eating because it was already in my bag when I entered the shop.
But it was when the said ‘little darling’ turned two that I began to question my very own integrity.
One day her cute little babbling suddenly metamorphosed into high pitched shrieks without warning, followed by a dramatic collapsing on the floor and most timeously executed in a crowded mall on a Saturday morning. I launched into super mom action and began to quickly check for blood.
Finding none but still hysterical, I grabbed her and forced her into the recovery position thinking she could possibly be having a seizure. My physical assessment led me to believe that flailing arms and legs were not symptomatic of a seizure. The tension escalated as a crowd gathered and suddenly, she was frothing at the mouth.
My worst fear had come upon me; she had rabies!
I gathered her up (still kicking and screaming) with all my shopping and hob-
bled the two of us to the car. I barely managed to open the car door when her arms and legs suddenly went stiff as she clung to the door frame screaming, “NOOOOOOO, I don’t want to!”. It was then that I realised how foolish I had been; how did I not see this from the start? She is demon possessed!
Calling on the name of Jesus I struggled with her to get her in her seat. When I was finally in the car, child still frothing and now writhing, I was completely beside myself. I realised I couldn’t be facing this alone so I made the
call, “Babes, come quickly, something is wrong with our baby!”. I turned the radio as loud as I could and started breathing deeply, now worried about my own stress levels.
No sooner was I home when dad arrived and came rushing to the car, tears streaming down my face, music blaring. He flung the door open and she cooed, “Daddy”, all cute and cuddly again. I sat speechless, wondering about what had just happened. A few questions (and mostly debriefing) later, I realised what had actually taken place on this unforgettable day.
It was just a meltdown, very common at this age… they say.
She had seen something she wanted and I had said she couldn’t have it. Some call this stage The Terrible Twos, others The Terrific Twos. I was going with The Demonic Twos. It was years later that I came across some helpful information that could really have equipped me to deal with those situations better. I wouldn’t want you left with a demonic two-year-old seizure taking place and risk you leaving the child on the side of the road, like I contemplated doing.
.
So, here’s what I know:
To physically address the meltdown/behaviour we can use part of what is known as the
“low arousal approach”, which can be used for all challenging behaviour.
1. Reducing potential conflict triggers can help to minimise or avoid meltdowns before they happen. Knowing that her little will is developing, and her autonomy, I should probably have responded with a more empowering answer like, “yes, we will put it on your birthday list”, and removed her from the shop. Because we are past that point, by this stage, we are going to the next point:
2. Avoid further arousal triggers by not making direct eye contact, not touching the child directly, and making sure that others, who could increase arousal further, are excused.
3. What you do with your body is vital. Soft body and soft voice are required. Taking a confrontational posture or attitude can cause further stress in a child you are trying to calm down. For young children especially, getting down on their level near to, but not touching them, sends the message that you are just there to help and are not a threat. When we are regulated, at the child’s level with good body language, we can start to guide. I could have done this by helping my child to identify the feelings she might be having, and giving her an option to help
regulate/calm herself (it’s trial and error until you find one that works for your child). Now is
not the time to push your authority or to bring consequence – skills are best learnt when we
are calm, at an optimal arousal level.
It’s not the time for long speeches – she is not going to hear anything, which will just add to frustration on both sides. For now I just want to contain her, and once she is a bit less overwhelmed, I can give her some
autonomy.
Then the most difficult part is to just wait. Let her know you are there and ready to help her make a good choice.
For anyone who has ever felt overwhelmed in the slightest, having to then figure out what to do makes it worse. When she is calmer we offer two appropriate/appealing choices and stick to them. Following our knowledge of development for 2 year olds, I could have suggested she either comes to assist with the shopping (participating in your activity) or plays with something she really enjoys, in a different space, maybe with a snack from the shopping. I would then be providing purpose and/or opportunity.
You don’t have to fix anything. You are simply guiding thought and action, working through the situation with the child until they can do it on their own.
If there was an unwanted behaviour, when the child is calm you can also add a natural consequence. For example, if she decided to throw something then she no longer gets to play with it or it now needs to be thrown away or repurposed because it is broken. Every single time we should do the same thing and eventually the child will learn to identify what they are feeling.
So the long and the short of it is that The Terrible Twos stage is real, it is part of their natural development, and it can be manged well without you feeling like the worst parent ever.
